An Unsubstantiated Claim

Today I was studying with those who I thought were my friends. In the middle of a brilliant paper on the political, feminist, and modern interpretations of Mary Shelley's Frankenstein, I found this inserted into my work:

Cate was a young girl with a very sad drinking problem. She liked to drink vodka, tequila, whiskey, gin, rum, bourbon, and moonshine. One day, she died, and since she hung around with sketchy people, everyone at the funeral was drunk and no one cried. And that is why you shouldn’t drink. The end.

I don't know where they got this. I'm not dead...

P.S. I only hang out with them, so I guess I am not the only one indicted.