Saturday, April 29, 2006

On Empty

Tonight I got home from the gym around midnight and everything I owned was out of batteries or gas. And I thought to myself, "This is an overhanded metaphor for my life. I get it, God."

Thursday, April 27, 2006

Death, Life, and What to do in Between

My friend died last night. He was hit by a semi-truck on the freeway and he died. I only knew him for a few months in Oxford: He was a wonderful boy with an amazing sense of humor, a great curiosity about people, perpetually tan skin, and he cared well for one of the people I care most about. I don't know what to do, what to say, how I should conduct my day. He lived too far away for me to comfort his family and friends, too far removed from my life to do anything but sit in shock. Today I have to go to class, then to work, then to more class, and my world doesn't stop. But shouldn't it stop? A lot of people's worlds stopped last night.

I remember back a few years ago when I was sitting at my desk at work I couldn't help but overhear a conversation my boss was having with a bussiness associate dying of cancer. She talked to him for a while, was very sweet and kind, but as soon as she hung up she had to take the next call. She had to be cheerful, persuasive, and full of good salesmanship. No one was dying in our world, and we had to move on to the next thing. And yet there was someone out there whose life was changing slowly until it left him all together.

My life isn't actually affected by Brad's death, and yet shouldn't it be? How do I grieve for someone so removed? I know I need to - the knot in my stomach tells me that. I guess all I can do is pray and write. I'll write here and I'll write to the people whose world has stopped for a while. I don't really know how to finish this post, so here's Brad. We'll miss you.



Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Happy Birthday to Me

Today is my twenty-second birthday. I always kind of wondered about this birthday, because it feels like my first grown-up one. You've got the teenage years, in which you are obviously still a kid,then you turn twenty and eveyone makes a big deal about you not being a teenager anymore, which merely serves to make you feel the same as you always did. Twenty-one is exciting and you get to drink and go to casinos, neither of which my law-abiding-Biola-self got to do. But twenty-two is just the beginning of all the non-descript birthdays your parents have always had.

I used to wonder about those birthdays too. When does a birthday cease to become the main event in your young life, and changes to a day that a lot of people forget, your friends make you feel special, and you spend wondering at the brevity of life? Turns out that birthday is twenty-two. My dad always said that it was all down hill from 16. Secretly I always thought it was all down hill from 22.

Today instead of birthday cake or a party I am eating creme brulee that Amanda picked-up from our favorite restuarant as I sit at my desk. Tonight one of my best friends is taking me out to dinner, and then I think I will watch American Idol. It might not be the thing kid's dreams are made of, but it doesn't feel down hill to me. I think I'll like being twenty-two.

Sunday, April 23, 2006

Working

Hello Blog. I'm sorry I haven't written, but it isn't personal. I haven't done anything, really. No homework, no excercise, nothing. You see, I am in denial. Denial that there are only four weeks left in my senior year; denial that I have enough work to fill the next four months.

This is all going to change, blog. I am starting tomorrow on a firey trail of mad success. There will be homework, there will be protein, there will be early to bed early to rise, there will be a gym, there will be the writing of the thesis, and there will be success. I hope.

I need this, Blog. I need things to be different, better; I need things to work. It would be nice to have a life that works again. I might even find the time to write on this blog. If not, I'll see you in June.

"But officer, what about my friend Patrick here?"

You know you are too attached to your dog when you keep having to leave the carpool lane because you keep remembering he is not an actual person.

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Opera Day

Today is Opera Day at my house (that's right OPERA DAY). I do not approve of the activity that two of the roommates are quite set upon happening today. The basic rule for opera day is that everyone must sing every word that they intended to say. This is a terrible, terrible idea. The other three girls have vacated the home front in order to avoid the day, but Kathy and Erin will not be discouraged. They are ignoring me right now because I refuse to sing my sentences. Patrick is very confused as people keep singing at him to eat his dinner or go outside.

When Erin was trying to convince me that Opera Day was a good idea, the one thing she could come up with was, "You could write about it on your blog!" Tonight there will be pictures.

Friday, April 07, 2006

Found: Parakeet

Today we lost my parakeet. She escaped out the back door that was left open when Erin and I left to study at Starbucks. I have lost many a bird in my life but never have I found them again. She obviously wasn't in the house, so I thought all hope was lost. Then I heard a little chirp near the side yard. I walked around the house and Erin and I slowly wandered the back yard following the little familiar cheeps, and there she was in the back hedge, sitting on a branch.

It's a tricky business trying to catch a bird because, well, they can fly. Every other pet has the same limitations as far as time and space as you, but not birds. They can always go up. Erin ran and got Claire's cage and we slowly tried to coax her into her cage from the hedge. She decided to give us mild heart attacks by flying from branch to branch before finally settling on Erin's finger and into the cage.

We are horrible parents.

Thursday, April 06, 2006

Wanderlust

When I was little we used to go down to my uncle's house near Rosarito Mexico in the summer. Going across the border was exciting and kind of scary. It was strange to see a completely different world an hour from your home. In this world people banged on your windows to sell you dolls and hair clips, you couldn't drink the water, and the pastries were terrible. My uncle's house was on a cliff overlooking the beach. We had to climb down terrifying, switch-backed stairs to reach the private beach below and in the mornings you could sit on the stucco and brick wall and watch dolphins play in the uninhabited waters. I think these trips were the beginning of my love for travel.

We were home schooled, and as such were never bound by the kid-crushing restrictions of the California school system. My mom took us on hundreds of field trips, nature days, and sleep-overs. Once we all went camping with our best friends (the M-girls, as we affectionately called ourselves) and stayed for a few weeks, studying the creek and drawing with chalk dust in the dirt. It was a very free kind of education, a desire for which I have never been able to shake.

This love for freedom and travel increased in high school when my dad decided he wouldn't trust me behind the wheel of any of his cars until I had some serious experience. Dad travels a lot, and so instead of buying a few airline tickets, he took Afton and me, packed up the truck and started driving east. We went to Las Vegas, Flagstaff, Amarillo, St. Louis, Chicago, Minneapolis and beyond on these trips. They would span a week or so, and we would drive all night and all day until we reached the business meeting, conference, or appointment Dad had scheduled at the other end.

Once Afton and I got scared out of our minds when the St. Louis Hilton we were staying in lost its power due to a tornado nearing the city. We can deal with earthquakes (well, Afton can. I start shaking to the point that I can't tell when it stops) but TORNADOS? Once the lights came back on, it was just an amazingly fun lightning storm and an excuse to join Dad's cocktail-hour meet and greet and eat the hors duerves.

When I was a senior in high school four of my closest friends and I went to a music festival on the central coast. We camped with our best boys, ate only beans for dinner (Johnny let the cooler water into the tortillas and cheese), slept in the back of the car and had a blast. Then us girls took off and explored California for a week. We walked the entirety of San Francisco because we kept missing the trolley and got lost near Yosemite. These were some of the best times of my entire life.

I've seen the place James Dean died, The Chicago Institute of Art, sunrise over the Utah dessert, Italian cathedrals and museums, Abe Lincoln's birthplace, and a lightning storm so intense it lit up the New Mexican dirt to the point that it was white instead of red. I've climbed mountains, crawled through streams and camped for days with nothing but what my horse could carry up the mountain. I've eaten the best gelato in the world, listened to the English street musicians, seen the Sistine Chapel, and walked the streets of London. I've bathed in a pool we made in which we had to balance the icy mountain water with the natural hot-springs that were hotter than my jacuzzi can get.

Waking up in a different place gives your mind so much room to think. You don't have to worry about feeding the dog, or getting to work, or how in the world your groceries disappeared so quickly. You can watch dolphins swim, or look out the window at a desert sunrise and just observe. It's the closest the mind can get to blank, and I love the peace that comes from just watching your new surroundings.

With my early life punctuated by trips and adventures (family vacations also spanned the US), the restrictions that come from college enrollment are very hard for me to deal with. Every few months I get intense wanderlust. Living in the UK satisfied it for a while, but it is back with avengence. Today at work I got to my desk and saw a printed set of directions to Tulsa. I looked back at Amanda and her giggle told me I was not alone in wanting to get away (though I am not sure I would pick Tulsa). I want to go. I want to get on a train or a plane, or just turn my car a different direction on the way home.

I am afraid that that time in my life has past. I look forward to graduate school and work and see years of responsibility stretching before me. I can't wait to become a teacher or a writer who can bring what she does to where she goes. Some day this blog will be written from a train station or the ranger's station, my dear Florence, Magdelene College, or maybe just Tulsa.

Monday, April 03, 2006

The Spanish Saga

In the race for what will long be remembered as the Biggest Mistake of My Academic Career, the Spanish language and my inability to learn it is blowing all other contenders (such as ceasing to go to chapel as a Sophomore, having four majors, and eating at the Cafe) out of the proverbial water. I have been trying to work with an online class in order to get to take summer school and graduate on time, but it is a scary business, let me tell you. There is virtually no real syllabus, no directions, and no direct interaction with the so-called "professor" of the class. Each week I have had to piece together and guess my way through to the next week, slowly gaining momentum and therefore GPA. That however was before midterms.

Today marks the official due date for one portion of the midterm. I thought I would be fine in getting things together and taking the test, and so I left work early to get to the phone with time to spare. I then read the fine print and realized that there is a mysterious printed exam that has yet to be mentioned or provided and must be taken before the oral exam that is due today. This means that the test that holds my graduation ceremony in its grips has gone AWOL. This is not good.

I emailed my professora (that's Spanish, folks) about the issue, and am expecting her reply in approximately three months.

Seriously kids. Do your language requirements in high school. It will add years to your life.

P.S. Though not well demonstrated by my last post, I know how to spell hamster.
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